When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
What do I wanna do tonight?
Plenty. I could drag him down to East Coast Park, and sit there like two Precious Moments figurines enjoying the sea breeze, exchanging silly words and toothy demented smiles. Then I'll magically whip out a gas burner, and a can of Campbell's Creme de Mushroom soup, and a mess tin, and start heating it up. We'll watch as the steam swirls and twirls and does triple somersaults, then we'll dip pieces of broken baguette into the boiling hot soup, and feed each other and get fat together under the clear night skies adorned with little bright specks of stars. Then I'll fall asleep in his arms, with the wind blowing in my face, happy, contented, ending the year 2003 with a smile on my face. We'll wake up the next morning and hop down to Maccas for Happy Meals as brekkies. Perform lotsa incredible stunts with our facial muscles and take lotsa silly pictures.
Then, if his parents doesn't mind him MIA for a day, I'll tuck him in my bed and proceed to experiment with mysterious ingredients and pour them all into my witch's cauldron and (hopefully) make a complete set meal for him. For him and my mom and my bro. After this guinea pig session and potentially harsh QC and lashing I'll do the same for his parents on another day. I wanna learn to be as thoughtful and mature in thinking as he is and assimilate his mastery of handling certain issues. I wanna paint a beautifully blissful picture of green rolling hills where he and I can gambol side by side, whispering words of baah baah into each other's fleecy ears.
Nice right?
I haven't done anything like this before, neither has such novel plans ever came into my agenda of spending dolce vita with someone special. In any case, isn't this the way it is supposed to be? Do we always have to be confined by what we've done before, or shared with certain people who are now nothing but a mere shadow of what they used to be? Cross-comparing is common to human nature, I'm sure we all have the need to feel secure and assured sometimes of our place in someone else's heart. I think I used to do that. A long long time ago, I did. What others have done, I must do, and I must have the same privileges and treatment. But then, I thought, why should that even be the case? Each relationship is meant to teach and allow someone to grow and mature, if I want a part in the joy of his, or anyone else's past, shouldn't I expect to be treated in everyway bad and hurting too?
I rather not. It's not just a new chapter, it's a new book. Neither a sequel nor a prequel, but something by a new author, a new style, a new genre. Some things I do for him may not be as elaborate or sophisticated, but really, isn't it the heart and thought that counts? For that certain place and certain time back in a certain place, the conditions and works were there to perform a bit of my magic, but now, it's "Singapore time, Singapore place, Singapore town". I don't even think about what I've done for others in the past. Why should I? They aren't significant, and they don't matter anymore.
In a funny way my heart didn't flinch or got wrenched when I read and reread his blogs. His profession of feelings towards certain people, his recounts of sweet times with another person and the tears that he shed for her. Eponine... Ah wells, there's no need to place myself in his shoes to defend myself from that position. My heart did sink I guess, it's just that I'm too numbed to feel it sink. Sink it did, but it escaped my notice, or rather I refused to let it bother me. History is interesting and intriguing, but I won't wanna make him feel uncomfortable or obliged to tell me anything.
A lot of times I understand his intentions and mentality, and I do process it thoroughly in my lil' head. It's neither right nor wrong. It's just a different way of loving someone. I just want him to be happy. =)
